im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
