The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's never too late to be topless.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
