The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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