I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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