I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
