So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
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