i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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