Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
