Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
