Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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