At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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