I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
