So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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