So drunk its hurt
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
