I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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