You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
