i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
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The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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