Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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