There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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