ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
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Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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