I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
