Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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