There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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