'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
