More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Pants are for mortals
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize