i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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