you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
