Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
