This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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