I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
