ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
