I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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