You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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