i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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