this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
