The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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