did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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