dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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