I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
