Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
