tonight lets celebrate not being married
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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