So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
