Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Randomize
