shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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