My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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