The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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