she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize