pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize
