I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
