My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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