Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
