God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Less talking, more tequila
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
