doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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