i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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