thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
