I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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